Catherine Gracey

Living Life, One Misadventure At A Time.

Winding Back The Years

on November 18, 2014

This morning I went to the hairdresser for the first time since I was pregnant. It was a bit exciting to sit back and let myself be pampered while my child was off having adventures without me. The cut was quick, but it was half an hour that seemed long because it came without interruption.

My hair isn’t high on my priority list. When the hairdresser asked me how I wanted it cut, I described the lowest maintenance style that I could think of, she asked a lot of questions that I didn’t understand, and I replied with “sounds great” while hoping none of the terms she used were secret code for a fringe. Her interpretation of my vague description was exactly the style I had when I was in my late teens.

Since starting the paleo diet, I’ve lost 18kg. I now weigh what I did in my late teens. My new jeans are almost the same style that I had in my late teens, and most of the clothes that fit me are ones that I retrieved from the back of the wardrobe (last seen in my late teens). Visually I only need a bit of acne to complete the transformation, but I’m happy to skip that step.

Since moving back to Melbourne we’re living with my parents, so I spend most of my time in the same room that I did during my late teens. When I’m not looking after Shroomi I tend to do a lot of work on the computer. I’m relearning how to program, which is something that I abandoned in my early 20s, and I’m picking up other hobbies that have been neglected for years.

It feels as if I am returning to a path that I regret leaving. Each tiny change is a small readjustment, almost insignificant in itself, but collectively they feel like shedding baggage and rejecting past mistakes. In my late 20s I was told that I could never unwind the clock and I could never regain who I had once been. That might be correct in the details, but I am learning now that it is not correct in the emotional landscape.

As I return to the point where my path deviated from where I wanted to go, I wonder how walking this road will be different now compared to then. I have the added wisdom of over a decade of hard learning to draw on. Will I be able to conquer the challenges that thwarted me in my youth, or will they be just as difficult now as they were then? Will I be hindered by what I have learned, or will it benefit me? Will I be comfortable with all the things that make me authentically me? Only time will tell, but now I feel as if I once again have all the time in the world to find out.

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